I refuse to...

This is an apt description of what I have gone through, going through! shet! nung binasa ko to parang, yikes! nabasa ata ng babaeng ito ang aking pinagdadaanan... heheh..

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I refuse to I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. That isn’t me anymore. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally saw that all of it was just nothing but fantasies. Dreams that only I wanted. There was no hope left for us. As each day passed, it became clearer to me that it was never meant to be. We were never meant to be. I refuse to live in the past. What we shared lives in the past, it doesn’t control me any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever treasure it but I won’t let it hold me back. I won’t let it ruin who I was and who I am now. For a time, I almost forgot who I was without you. I’ll never let that happen again. I won’t ever lose myself again. I refuse to fight anymore. For several months now, I’ve been fighting. I’ve been fighting for our friendship and for us. However, no matter what I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I’m going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow maybe you are fighting for us too kept me going. But months have passed, I haven’t heard from you. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was and never will be mine. I refuse to believe that you didn’t love me. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not have been able to love me the way I wanted you to love me but I know that even for just a second, you really did love me. I refuse to lose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find him, but I will. Tears have been streaming down my cheeks for too long but not anymore. I have learned so many things from all this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I don’t regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going. The hope for better things to come, the same hope that one day I will finally be over you.

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Doing something right

Last night I believe I did something right.

I evacuated all my things from the x's house.

It was soooo painful mind you. I had to go through taking all things that i thought was mine and left things that was his.

The most painful of all... Andie was with me. She was so cranky last night that I thought she knew what I was doing. All through the night I was in his house, Andie was crying. Well, I guess that is a part of what I have to endure when Andie will grow up.

I talked to his cousin. She said Andie is kawawa... I beg to disagree... She will never be. In fact, when she is older I would say she'd agree to what I have done.

;) Moving on? I guess so.

Radiant Certainty

The past week has been hell. From thinking.. and thinking and thinking... A lot of questions have popped in my mind, almost all of those un-answered. In the midst of it all, I beleive what kept me going is my little one, Andie and God's grace that I know, with Radiant Certainty is always there.

This came in my inbox yesterday and I want to share it with you.

Thanks to all who made sure I won't break down (infront of people).



Radiant Certainty
by Jon Walker

“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” (John 16:20-22 NIV)

There are some days when, frankly, I don’t feel much like worshiping God. There are probably more days like that than I’d care to admit.

But usually those are days when I’m staring at my circumstances and making faithless judgments about what I see around me. And I struggle with the God-truth that he is in the circumstances surrounding my life – all the circumstances.

Have you ever considered that heartbreak is part of God’s “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”? (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) We put so much energy into avoiding the hurt, when God would have us embrace it. He wants us to know he can heal our hurts, even use them for his benefit. He wants us to faithfully believe that the circumstances we think are harming us are actually positive situations God is engineering.

God, who is omnipotent, sees the breadth and depth of our circumstances, and he knows his plans for our lives. Thinking, then, like Christ, we can slowly – perhaps ever so slowly – begin to understand that avoiding the pain in our lives is actually an act of faithlessness. God calls us to faith in him during difficult circumstances; we’d rather place our faith in avoiding the circumstances.

As always, Jesus shows us the way – because he is the Way. Jesus embraced the pain of God’s plan for his life, and he did it with full faith that God was still working the plan to bring a “hope and a future” to your life and mine. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) Christ was so sure his grief would turn to joy that he showed a radiant certainty in God’s faithfulness (“Radiant certainty” is a phrase William Barclay uses to describe the attitude of Jesus at the Last Supper).

Our Brother Jesus, who is also our King, was heading into a crisis that would cost him his life, yet he was so certain – radiantly certain – of God’s faithfulness that not one of his disciples even discerned the gravity of the crisis! Jesus was so certain of God’s faithfulness that it radiated throughout his whole being.

And we also can have this radiant certainty about God’s hand in our lives. We can say, when it comes to God’s faithfulness, “I know because I know that I know.” That’s radiant certainty! The cross was Christ’s glory, not his penalty – and the same is true of difficult circumstances in our lives.

What now?

· God’s faithful character – You will develop this radiant certainty in God when you learn to trust in his faithful character. Your daily worship of God is irrevocably tied to your faith in God.

· Praise God anyway – You must choose to praise and worship God every day, no matter what the circumstances of your life. Developing a radiant certainty in God begins with simple steps of faith and obedience.

· Respond to God, not your circumstances – When faced with a painful or difficult circumstance, ask God, “How do you want me to respond to this?” Keep your eyes wise for the “Why me?” traps that lie about your circumstances.

· You can be radiantly certain of this: Difficult circumstances are opportunities for you to intentionally focus your faith in God and see what he will do to give you hope and healing.

© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.

Letting Go

by Shirley

There's nothing but the good country surrounding me. The moon is shining brightly over the tree tops and its reflection on the water is such a beautiful sight. This is a perfect place for two people who are in love ... As I sit here thinking about all the time I have wasted, just sorting out my life -- I never really realized what loneliness was until you were gone. It seemed as though things were going so good until one day you left without a single trace. All of our plans for the future were shattered. There was to be no more of you and I together. You were gone, gone forever. I still remember the times we shared, but slowly these memories are going too. One day they'll be gone just like you ... I'm trying desperately to find you and bring you back to me. I dream about you every day and pray that you'll come back, but it's hopeless. There's no use in pretending, cause deep down in my heart I know you've found another. Someone to take my place, someone who'll love you -- but never like I loved you. And even though you've found another, I'll be true to you, even though you've asked me not to ... My life seems so meaningless now. I'm useless - why was I ever placed on this earth? What purpose do I serve? None, none whatsoever. People tell me that another will come along and take your place, but where is he? Who is he? Sometimes I feel like giving up on life, on love, on everything, but I can't. My spirits won't let me. I must go on - with or without you. The things that ever really meant anything to me are gone - vanished - never to come back to me again. All I have left now is my dignity, but slowly that is slipping away too ... I have to get a grip on myself -- I can't let this get me down. Life must go on. Maybe it's good that the memories are going, maybe then I can go on with my life as meaningless as it seems now. I don't hold it against you because you left me. It's like they always say, "Let him go and if he really loves you, he'll come back to you." But it's not that simple, now is it? The only way to having true love is to realize that someday it may be lost. Believe me, I realized that a long time ago ... The funny thing about all of this is if you were to come back - I actually don't believe I would take you back. I don't deserve such pain and torture. If you left me once, you could do it again ... Goodbye, my long lost love - maybe we'll meet again some day.

we are nothing but

Link

Maraming salamat mauro. Maraming salamat raissa. Maraming salamat Chay. Maraming salamat sa lahat ng mahal ako at mahal ang anak ko.

Masaya ako at nakilala ka ni RK.

Letting God...

I have fought many times for my love. But I guess dadating ka rin sa point na tama na. Suko na. Nagpapakatanga na. Matagal na akong tanga sa kanya... Honest. Ang daming kaibigan ko ang gusto akong sabunutan... Eh sa mahal ko yung tao eh... Wala kayong magagawa.

Heto galing sa isang kaibigan. Salamat!

After A While

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts.
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of God, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
And after a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure ...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn ...
And with every goodbye, you learn.


By Veronica A. Shoffstall

http://www.angelrays.com/Cards/star/after/awhile.html

Loving Living and Learning

Nobody said loving is easy. It never is and never will it be. Maswerte ang mga taong nakakita ng love of their lives na super in love sa kanila... at ganun din siya sa partner. My case? I would say kung every hurt I get I get paid, pucha, milyonaryo na ata ako ngayon!

I always said na loving is a choice. I chose to love the man who gave me such a beautiful daughter. I chose to love him inspite of his shortcomings (note, kanya lang! I beleive I was super faithful... supportive etc). And what did i get? Fcuk!

Pero sa totoo lang, I would not say na di ko na siya mahal.. Siguro ito yung mahirap sa "you choose to love him, than letting it just be "falling in love" " Patawarin siya? Ewan ko... Baka. Ayoko magsalita ng patapos. Ganun ko siya kamahal. Ganon ako kagago.

Sige lang. Tuloy ang buhay. Sa amin ni raissa nga, "the best things are yet to come". Friend, parating na yung sa iyo. Ako, dumating na... nakidapo pa sa ibang pugad...

I don't know how to end this... Ang daming tumatakbo sa utak ko. Last night I wasn't able to sleep...

-- I would like to share this YM conversation with a friend though.

--if a person loves another person, it would be unwise to love him(for your case) for your sake.
6:14 PM don't u love him because u choose to love him?
--o continue to choose to love him until he either: 1. reciprocates it back, 2. rejects that love. walang talo kung ganito magmahal ang mga tao...
--when #1 happens, eh di galeng. when #2 happens, the person loving shouldnt feel sad, but thankful that the beloved had enough dignity to say so(and dapat backed up ito by something reasonable)
--we can choose to love everytime, and that means to give ourselves a"hard" time, yes, but our hearts beat when we choose to let it beat, and when it does, doesn't it "feel" great?") don't u feel happy just by loving? knowing that u are actually in love? pag na reciprocate, mas masaya nga, pero kahit habang hindi pa binabalik, masaya ka na dapat
--from a friend na commited na kay God
-- iba na nag point of view niya sa matters of the heart