Journey

In a few months' time
I shall set foot again
To the country I proudly
Call mine.


In a few months' time
I shall reflect on the time
Which I have laboriously spent
Away from home
To make sure they have
A place we all will call home.


In a few months' time
I may make yet another hard decision
To go on with what I have done the past year
Or to settle back to what I was used to.

It will not be easy
But will it be also hard?
Which one is easier or harder?
To be able to provide
Yet away from you
Or be there.
I simply don't want to utter that word.

It will not be.
This journey is not easy.
It will never be.

Two Hundred-- Crossroad again?!

When I started this blog I knew it would be something about me and my former boyfriend.  I was then expecting, about 12 or 13 weeks on the way, I was hopeful of so many things.  I tried to be positive inspite of the odds that I knew were against me and our history.  I hoped.

I was excited.  I blogged about the travels I did that year, the anticipation of waiting for him to come back, and of course, the excitement of the coming baby.  It was a fun year, the first.  

But in 2008, the dreaded news came.  I was surprised, or was I? Or was I just waiting for it to happen? Well, it did.  And in a way it was a closure that I was waiting for.  Of course, it would not really close, there is my little girl caught in between. 

In 2008 it was different.  I was in a new challenge.  I would be a single parent, not that I wasn't when I got Andy but truly.  There was no dream and hope of getting back together. Or the wish of a happy ever after for us.  I was alone.  I'd have to raise Andy by myself.  

And then it turned on a different avenue altogether.  I got accepted to a job abroad.  Never did I imagine I'd be working outside the country.  I was quite happy where I was at and there was the baby.  The challenge that the opportunity opened to me made me think, what would happen if I go out there and try?  I am not gonna lose anything.  Well, save for the next 3 years in Andy's life, which by the way is really important.  But I thought this is something that will be for Andy anyway. 

The stay here, more than one and a half year already has been an eye opener.  It made me appreciate what I have and what I don't.  It made me realize that not everything can be bought by money.  Oh, that was said before, right?  But you just had to experience it to learn it.

It made me stronger.  It made me realize how much I want to come back home. Yes, you read it right.  I am still in a crossroad now.  Should I stay for the whole duration of the contract, or should I ask to be sent home?  Surely I would not want to resign from this company to get another job in this country. Seriously. 

The contemplation now is when.

This is my 200th post.  I was thinking of what ti write at the beginning of the day.  Now, I am back at thinking of what I should do.

When a look and silence rips

I received a much awaited post last week. I thought it has been lost in the sea of posts across the Indian Ocean, pero I got it! Philpost and snail mail still works.

I was prepared to cry. Honest. I knew I would. And I did. Several times during the almost 60 minutes of 3-day birthday visit of my brother Paul to Davao.

What broke me was when Andy was asked if she loved her mom, she looked back blankly at the camera, at my brother. And then they teased her about it. Okay she's just a baby, and she doesn't understand it too (yet). I was like punched in the stomach. I cried. I cannot imagine having to ask my daughter who she loves more, me or her lola, and I am too afraid to hear her answer. Right now I know her answer.

So again, I come to the point of the importance of this stay so many miles away from my little angel.

When you get to talk to certain people and offer you something that you want so badly-- like a job that's good for your career, it breaks you more! I have so many apprehensions as well. I know when the time comes that I need to come home, like last year, I need to make another decision. The crossroad has to be crossed once more. Until then, I have two more years to complete the decision I made a year ago.

Tears

Every weekend when I get to get online I look forward to hearing and seeing, if possible the little girl I left behind. Today I was lucky to catch her on such a happy mood.

Cousin Eli (aunt to Andee) gladly went online for me to have the baby talk to her mom.

Hearing and seeing her so excited to see me actually tore my heart. It's such sweet torture to see tears brimming on her eyes (not yet wiped) and asked her why the tears... my cousin said that because "mommy's line went dead, that's why". How can a mother bear such an innocent child's plea for her mommy to see her?

It broke my heart and whatever stance I have of vowing for a better future for her. A future without her with me is much bleaker than this.

Change

Many resist change. Many of us even hate change. But fact is, we have to get used to change. Everything changes. Once in a while we ought to seek change in fact.

I heard/ read that something that is stagnant causes (it) to stink. I am not saying that we have to change everything and anything... But change is actually good.

It makes us grow and it makes us appreciate things more. Moving here in Dubai was a big change for me. Being a mom even was a huge change. Responsibilites and Parenthood both were great changes in my life. Well, it was something that I had to face head on.

My Person

I am not sure how to begin telling our story.
Knowing you half of my life should mean something.

It isn't always that we meet somebody who we get along with
And be very very at home with.

I was fortunate to have grown up
knowing that besides my family I have another person
I can go to. Run to.

I am very fortunate that I among all the friends you've crossed path
I am one of the many you considered close as well.

On the crossroads that I/we are faced
I hope that one day and soon after this things are over
We'll be able to say that it was something that this friendship needed.

As Yang would say,
You are my person.

Rainbow

I wish that one day I will be able to let you see a rainbow on the horizon and tell you not to point at it because it'll cut your finger. That was what all of them told me. Or if you have accidentally pointed at one, you should bite your finger.

Funny huh?

Or maybe the two of us would walk towards the rainbow and see if the pot of gold which everyone is talking about is real.

But the pot of gold maybe tough to find. My pot of gold is already with me. The chance to spend my day and discover things with you will be more than that pot of gold.

Weekend once more

It's weekend once more... Sounds like yesterday once more huh?

It has been quite a week here in Dubai. The temperature has been steadily rising. The driver told me that the temperature at 2pm was about 47C. I was like "what?". Good thing I did not go out. Our "very very very very much loved secretary" was out so I had to sit at the reception area. It was okay. Thank goodness for remote desktop connection. I was still able to go through my whole workday without too much of a backlog.

It was just very very bad with the new software that I am using. :( It's too bad that the person who actually thought of buying this should be shot, or better yet let them use it so they can see what I mean.

Tomorrow I will be going to church. And hopefully be able to chat with my li'l girl before going hitting the sack for another Friday.

I also hope that we will get our salary come Saturday. It was not credited until today. :(

Weekend, rest.

WaVes And GooDbyEs

Andie has learned how to wave about a month ago. But now she's really getting the knack of waving when told to do so... or when she hears Steve (of Blues' Clues) say "Goodbye!" She automatically raises her hand to do her own version of a wave.

I keep on painting pictures in my head of the day when she understands the idea of saying goodbye and how painful it can be especially when you say goodbye to people you love. And how more painful when the goodbye will mean really, goodbye and not just so long, until we meet again!

She's already 10 1/2 months old and she's really beginning to be a handful. She dances, she waves, she playfully bites us, even has her way of showing us when she wants to be carried! She's grown so fast that I am afraid when I the time I wave goodbye to her for me to leave her here I'd break down after I turn my back.

I better stop teaching her the wave. I'll try to teach her a new thing... To kiss. to welcome. But that is another story.

It's a preparation I have to make myself do, everyday. For her and for myself.

Radiant Certainty

The past week has been hell. From thinking.. and thinking and thinking... A lot of questions have popped in my mind, almost all of those un-answered. In the midst of it all, I beleive what kept me going is my little one, Andie and God's grace that I know, with Radiant Certainty is always there.

This came in my inbox yesterday and I want to share it with you.

Thanks to all who made sure I won't break down (infront of people).



Radiant Certainty
by Jon Walker

“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” (John 16:20-22 NIV)

There are some days when, frankly, I don’t feel much like worshiping God. There are probably more days like that than I’d care to admit.

But usually those are days when I’m staring at my circumstances and making faithless judgments about what I see around me. And I struggle with the God-truth that he is in the circumstances surrounding my life – all the circumstances.

Have you ever considered that heartbreak is part of God’s “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”? (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) We put so much energy into avoiding the hurt, when God would have us embrace it. He wants us to know he can heal our hurts, even use them for his benefit. He wants us to faithfully believe that the circumstances we think are harming us are actually positive situations God is engineering.

God, who is omnipotent, sees the breadth and depth of our circumstances, and he knows his plans for our lives. Thinking, then, like Christ, we can slowly – perhaps ever so slowly – begin to understand that avoiding the pain in our lives is actually an act of faithlessness. God calls us to faith in him during difficult circumstances; we’d rather place our faith in avoiding the circumstances.

As always, Jesus shows us the way – because he is the Way. Jesus embraced the pain of God’s plan for his life, and he did it with full faith that God was still working the plan to bring a “hope and a future” to your life and mine. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) Christ was so sure his grief would turn to joy that he showed a radiant certainty in God’s faithfulness (“Radiant certainty” is a phrase William Barclay uses to describe the attitude of Jesus at the Last Supper).

Our Brother Jesus, who is also our King, was heading into a crisis that would cost him his life, yet he was so certain – radiantly certain – of God’s faithfulness that not one of his disciples even discerned the gravity of the crisis! Jesus was so certain of God’s faithfulness that it radiated throughout his whole being.

And we also can have this radiant certainty about God’s hand in our lives. We can say, when it comes to God’s faithfulness, “I know because I know that I know.” That’s radiant certainty! The cross was Christ’s glory, not his penalty – and the same is true of difficult circumstances in our lives.

What now?

· God’s faithful character – You will develop this radiant certainty in God when you learn to trust in his faithful character. Your daily worship of God is irrevocably tied to your faith in God.

· Praise God anyway – You must choose to praise and worship God every day, no matter what the circumstances of your life. Developing a radiant certainty in God begins with simple steps of faith and obedience.

· Respond to God, not your circumstances – When faced with a painful or difficult circumstance, ask God, “How do you want me to respond to this?” Keep your eyes wise for the “Why me?” traps that lie about your circumstances.

· You can be radiantly certain of this: Difficult circumstances are opportunities for you to intentionally focus your faith in God and see what he will do to give you hope and healing.

© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.