To My Mama

Mama,

I know you'll probably get tons of text messages on Sunday. With all those free texting promos at home. Surely, it's a shame not to use it, especially on mother's day. I want to be different. I'll do what you think I am good at. I'll write.

Let me start off by thanking you.

Not because you have brought the three of us well, that was a given for you. It seemed very natural for you to do that. But for setting as an example to us. I remember very well when you talked to me when I was probably just 11 or 12. We were washing our clothes then. Papa did something really awful, you told me you wanted him to leave.   I have seen you cry so many nights before that so I thought it was for the best. I did not realize though that that would be a turning point for me.  To stand up and make decisions for myself even if it means almost breaking myself.  You taught me how to be strong, as a person.  To stand up in the midst of all the problems.

To be self sufficient.  Not to be a burden to others.  When I had to finish my Elementary years in a private school, when both my brother and sister had to transfer because we barely had enough to get by day by day, you told me you will never ever be a burden to others.  It stuck to me.  Even up to this day.  I will never be a burden to you or to others.  Not even to my daughter.

Above all to trust God to guide us in every decision we make.  This probably is the best lesson you have imparted us.  I know we are not like others who are so active in church, we are not even half of what Mama Lily was when she was alive.  But you have taught me that above all we have to call on to God in everything that we do.

As I am also going through the journey of being a mother, I hope I too will leave a positive impact to my daughter as you have been to me.  I may be away right now, and I am grateful that you have taken what should have been my responsibility in raising Andy, but I will be back and be a mother to my little one too.

I love you mama and I thank God He gave me to you.

Christmas Day 2009

I am in the airport now.  It's already 6pm in Dubai.  I was supposed to check in early so if there are problems I could ran back home.  Alas, when I approached the counter, it already closed it's early check in. haay!

I am excited to go home.  I did not see Andy open her gifts today.  They went to the beach early and by the time they returned home she was way too cranky.

So much for being excited what her reaction will be.  I hope I can get the same reaction when she opens her gifts from me.

I am excited.

I love you Andy!  Mommy is coming home.

xoxo,

Mommy

Pauwi na talaga

Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung excited ako o kung ano pa ba.  Malapit na talaga akong umuwi. Yung mga nakaraang buwan na pakiramdam ko ay di matatapos sa paghihintay para lang makita uli ang aking munting anghel ay malapit nang matapos. Sa wakas.

Ang pagtitiis ng isang inang sobrang nangungulila sa kanyang unica ay mapapawi na.  Yung mga luha na madalas tumulo sa aking mga mata ay mapapalitan ng saya sa tuwing iniisip kong ilang araw na lang at mayayakap ko na at mahahalikan ang batang sa tuwing tumatawag ako ay sisigaw ng "mommy, mommy!"

Sabi nila mas mahirap daw ang umalis kapag nakauwi ka ng unang beses. Pero kahit pa. Walang makakapalit sa panahong pwede ko uling makasama ang aking pinakamamahal na anak.

Ilang tulog na lang anak.

Mahal na mahal ka,

Mommy

Amazed

Dear Andy,

It seems like yesterday when I was carrying you inside me and eagerly anticipating the day/ moment that you'd really (actually) come out of hotel mom.

It seem like yesterday when I first went to the pharmacy and bought the pregnancy test kit in order to determine that I was indeed pregnant.

It seem like yesterday when I had to rush to the my obstetrician to check why my tummy was contracting at such an early time, when it was not supposed to.  And had to remind myself that I was already pregnant and I had to slow down on how I move about.  And how I would carry myself around the office.

It so seem like yesterday when I would fret at what the gender of my baby would be.  Secretly hoping I was carrying a boy and then realized that it is not important (anymore) and that the most important thing was that you and I were in perfect health awaiting the most exciting day of our lives.

It so seem like yesterday when I'd hear people ask me if I was really pregnant.  If I had not just swallowed a ball or watermelon because I did not really got too fat.  That I was so much in control of the food I eat thinking I had to control my weight gain.  Praying to God that when I do that I would not have a hard time in labor.

It so seem like yesterday when I asked the nurse about me being in labor and asking Jay to help me get a taxi because I still had to go home so I'd get our things and eat some before I admit myself to the hospital.

Now, more than two years after I had you I am so amazed at how you have grown.  How you can talk and throw questions at me.

I will not stop at this amazement.  I may be so far away from you but I know one day I will be spending more time with you and marvel at the most precious gift that was given me.

I love you so much Andrea!

xoxo,

Mommy

Message in a bottle (part 4)

Dear Andy,

Hi there sweetheart. Oh you've grown so much the past year that I have been away. I remember when I left you, you can barely call me mommy. Now, you've been so talkative especially when I call you.

Please anak as I nearly finish my first year here, I would like for you to understand, not just by your brain but in your heart how I have come to the decision to grab this opportunity. I know I can never turn back time. The moment that I have decided, yes, I will go abroad there was no turning back.

I was once asked if the pay was worth it, please remember this Andy, it will never be. There won't be any monetary equivalent to being beside you as you grow.

The next two years I know will also be hard for me, as our separation won't ever be easy. I pray that when this contract/ experience end there will be something good for me back home.

Always remember that I love you and I will always pray that you grow up to be brave and patient and kind and loving.

There will be so many things that I will want to tell you... I will, in time.

I love you so much anak.

love,

mommy

E-Mail from your Po-to

Andy,

I have mentioned that my brother, your tito Pol (or Po-to for you) went home. This is what he has to say for you Andy. ;) I hope you get to read this when you're older.

Mom

Haberdee Andee!

Dear Andy,

Happy Birthday! I hope you had a very happy one. I heard you were so happy with the small party that they did for you and your Sunday school classmates. I am so glad that you enjoyed it.

I am also happy that you visited your great grandma. Not because of what other people may think that I want to show to your father how selfishly he took away something I felt so precious for you, rather because I know one day you will really ask me who your "other side" of the coin is.

I hope that when that time comes you will see what I thought I have seen as good for you and for us.

I know it'll be 2 more birthdays which I will miss but I will take that as part of what I have decided a year back. It was truly one of the hardest that I had to do in my entire life. I may, at one point regret it but I never the fact that I have you in my life.

I miss you so much. I miss hugging you and kissing you on your birthday. I hope Tito Paul being there will make things a bit better.

I am going to see you soon sweetheart. I promise.

Love,

Mommy

Sorry

Andy,

Sorry if I was not able to speak with you this weekend. I know I was very very excited to see you and hear you. When your mama-lola said that you were asking for me when she and I chat, my heart broke. Darn this internet connection. Doube darn PLDT!

I hope I can speak to you next weekend. Your birthday is coming up very soon. I don't know if it is a good idea to spend for a party. I hope you will understand. Soon anak I know you will. Be patient with me. Please wait for me until I get to finish this contract and I can go back home. I don't know if it will be the best option we have but I know it is so hard to keep up with the distance and not being able to spend more time with you.

I hope one day you will understand why I had to do this, leave you and work away from you.

I love you so much!

Love,

Mommy